When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Happy Taco Tuesday
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party