When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me: