When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia