@CourtneyBale

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

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@LaLuchaNix

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

@KattsDogma

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

@7_Cents

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

@JasonNotEvil

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

@heytherejeffro

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

@ktmcburr

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

@AweShadySome

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”