When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
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Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car