When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.