when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
You Might Also Like
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.