When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.