When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My blood type is b hungry.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.