When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”