when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
can’t wait til they legalize outside
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda