When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.