When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
For those that worship cheese..
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.