When you pick your nose after dusting the house
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If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
tinder is all about the long game
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*