When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Um … Hot Wings please
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I think I’m having a stroke
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”