When you “pspspsp” too hard
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
no one likes gloating
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Very good! 👍😂
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.