When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.