When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
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Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Always
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Just how popey was the pope today?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”