When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Snapes on a plane.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]