When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
You Might Also Like
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.