When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”