When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
@funTweeters I am at your service….
🤣
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!