When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Does this dress make me look cat?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?