When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
i hope my email finds you on fire
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.