When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.