When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.