When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Lassie, get help!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker