when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”