When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Good morning!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.