When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
🍞🦆
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.