When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
BRO LMFAO
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
when the buffet is more honest than your date
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.