when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Lmao 🤣
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My love language is deader than Latin
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.