When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
You Might Also Like
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”