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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness