When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.