When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Sticker placement is key.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*