When you try jalapeños for the first time
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The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
S M O L
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Banana is the quietest snack
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.