When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
put ‘er there pardner!
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand