When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers