when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty