When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.