When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
KFC hitting the cannibal market
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…