When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
How to make infinite energy.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down