When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep