When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.