When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
What flavor cupcake are these