Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

Trying

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.