When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.