when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
OH. COME. ON.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy