When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.