When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back