When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.