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this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”